Portman Road Pouncer

Flatfoots

Lest I suddenly appear on a suspect's list as the Suffolk detectives trawl the internet for leads into the deaths of the Ipswich good-time girls, let me say, straight away, that I have not been to Ipswich for years; and, more importantly, I am not going analyse the evidence or suspects in the case. I'm going to concentrate on the “plight” of the coppers who are caught up in this investigation.

Not a day goes by but we are treated to either a crime scene or a suspect's residence surrounded by coppers. Spare a thought for those members of the “They Also Serve Who Stand and Wait” brigade who are forced to spend the whole day, or night, standing around in the freezing cold - doing nothing.

“Rent a Plod” has arrived in Ipswich.

Here we have the Suffolk Constabulary being overwhelmed by events. They are – we are constantly being reminded by the media – one of the smallest police forces in the country. Only about 2000 officers to deal with the tragic events at Tractor Central.

Has anyone noticed that a good proportion of them are standing around in the cold doing nothing? Where are they getting them? What are they doing? Have they really got the man-power to waste by paying coppers to stand around? Apparently, they do.

Every time the media power down to a camera shot of a murder scene, suspect's address, police HQ, or Ipswich town centre, the first shot will include three for four Plods standing around in their flashy day-glo jackets. Doing nothing or, perhaps, lifting one of the tapes they use to cordon off houses/streets. Now, there's a growth industry! By appointment to HM the Queen – Purveyors of Fine Tapes!

Can you spot the inconsistency? If the plods are so stretched for man-power, how come they can afford to pay beaucoup dinaro to Brainless Plod to stand around – while the “real” coppers get on with the job. What purpose are they serving? Where are they coming from? Surely, we are not paying Plods from County Durham to stand around the streets of Ipswich lifting tapes? Are we?

I'm hope not, but I'm not so sure.

I'm thinking of starting a franchise operation to provide: day-glo jackets and pull-overs (with Ipswich Bitches 2006 tastefuly embroidered on them); massive gloves (in tasteful day-glo colours, of course); day-glo tape (in a variety of colours); day-glo pens (in case Plod needs to write his shopping list whilst standing around doing nothing); day-glo underpants (in case Plod gets lucky with one of the spare good-time girls) and day-glo boots ( so Plod can pass the time away studying his flat feet – in the dark.)

Bet I could make money.

Speaking of money – for all my extraction of the Michael – it's your money that's being used for no useful purpose.