Lissingdown

Stuck in Lissingdown

As the Thames overflows in a few counties, the Somerset levels return to the sea from whence they came, the politicians crap themselves and the Tory voters are the ones who are being inundated; I reiterate my plan to solve the crisis in an historical way.

Folks seem to have forgotten that England is a green and pleasant land for a very good reason – it rains and it rains a lot. We can speculate about global warming and climate change, but it is all a bit academic to the poor sods currently sand-bagging their sodden properties throughout the West Country, Wales and the Home Counties.

We are currently “enjoying” a very mild winter. We have hardly had a frost worth speaking about and the days are getting longer and longer. We may get through to the end of February without one freezing day!

What a difference a year makes. Last February we were wondering if winter would ever end and piling more logs on the fire.

The old adage that England doesn't have climate it only has weather has never seemed so true.

What do we do?

We could appoint a Minister for rain. Example: last time a Minister for drought was appointed it rained incessantly for weeks. Maybe the reverse would do?

We could demolish the Thames barrier and flood the capital. The sight of all the MP's, merchant bankers and assorted big wigs paddling up Whitehall might cheer up the masses no end.

We could find the drain plug for the country and pull it out.

I have a better idea – a little thinking outside the box is required.

For example – in Bordeaux it will be 16 degrees on Friday with a little light rain.

So, we let the Scots keep their little country (where it has been surprisingly dry this winter) and reconstitute the English empire in France.

Or being charitable to the surrender monkeys, we simply swap England for those desire parts of France which we still, in theory, own – namely the Empire of Henry V.

So, we get the good bits with room to build enough houses to house us all and they can make do with Slough (if it stays above water) and Goole. Works for me!

Yes, I know they will moan a lot but who cares. Everyone in England gets a free holiday in France to find a swap partner and then on a date specified in the treaty of Troyes we go there and they come here.

Simples.

It can rain forever in the Thames valley and we will be high and dry in the Dordogne.

As the saying goes: It's cool in Goole, dry in Rye and in Lissingdown it's pissing down. We need to do something!