Bumper News Day

Truth is really stranger than ficiton!

Firstly, as I expected, the story about cows attacking the farmer (a bit like man bites dog) was not “the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth”. In a later paper we discover that the very experienced farmer confessed he got himself in a poor position and being trampled by the cows was probably his fault. In trying to get the cows through a very small gate something spooked them and they bolted. Unfortunately, he did not have anywhere to go to get out of their way and got stepped on. Cows 1 – Farmer 0.

Meanwhile 15 October proved to be either the slowest news day of the year, or the day when the loonies took over the EDP and chose which articles to publish.

What a selection!

In no particular order: we have the news that train drivers have been instructed to slow down at level crossings following a spate of accidents. They are now down to 20 mph. Aslef (the train drivers union) decided to act in the interests of train drivers and the travelling public. So good to know that the multi-ton train that just hit you is only moving at 20 mph. This is real progress and will be a comfort to relatives of those now killed at level crossings to know that their loved one was mangled at 20 mph instead of 40!

News from a translation company who are seeking Glaswegian interpreters is all good. They have been inundated by applicants. The free-lancers could earn up to £140 a day helping people from places like Japan, who may have learned their English from the BBC and can not now understand anyone from the Gorbals. If the service is a success it could be extended to other UK cities with difficult accents: Birmingham, Liverpool and Manchester spring to mind.

Meanwhile, John Stafford from Scarborough – a confirmed arachnophobic – is worried that Halloween may be the death of him. He claims that his doctor told him that even the sight of a creepy-crawlie in a display in a window could trigger a fatal heart attack because his heart “is so badly bruised”. Funny, I thought you got that from being dumped by your girlfriend?

Kerry Callard from Devon is in bit trouble. She posted a YouTube video of her car speeding through puddles and drenching some pupils waiting for a bus. Police said the 29 year-old Kerry had contacted them voluntarily about the puddling and the evidence was now being reviewed. Very public-spirited of you Kerry.

From across the pond: down at Bobby Valentines Sports Gallery Cafe (nifty name, huh!) a woman singing karaoke was attacked by six others who did not like her rendition of A Dios Le Pido – a song made famous by Columbian superstar Juanes. ( a Columbian superstar? Is this not the most appalling oxymoron?) Dudes – it's all happening in Stamford, Connecticut – let's all boogie on down and check it out!!

God is after you in Louisville, Kentucky. Ken Pagano, a US Pastor, hosted a rally entitled, “God and guns” which was designed to promote gun rights and church security. Ken is now, apparently, working part-time at a local gun range and founding the International Security Coalition of Clergy with a New York rabbi. I would really like to pray in this guy's church. No, I mean it, honestly!

Chetania Davis, a 22 year old stripper, attacked her co-worker and exotic dancer ( a 52 year old woman – man they must have some wild strippers in Akron, Ohio!!) with the heel of her stiletto because she was afraid of losing her job – claiming that he club already had too many exotic dancers. Sounds like a sequel to that old standard, My Granny is a Lap-dancer at the Shooting Star Hotel! It annoys me intensely that there is no photo of young Chetania or her 52 year-old victim. I surmise that that any 22 year old stripper feeling threatened by a 52 year-old arch rival is pulchritudinously challenged. I'd love to see a photo to confirm my suspicions.

Let's all get down to London's New Wimbledon Theatre this Xmas for their version of Aladdin – starring Baywatch's Pamela Anderson. Now this is real family entertainment! Wait a minute, she's only doing two weeks and the role is then taken up by Paul O'Grady. Tough act to follow Paul. Good luck.

On the local crime scene: two homes in Dorley Dale (near Carlton Colville) were burgled overnight last Monday. A piggy bank was stolen by extracting it through an open window and found near the crime scene – minus the dosh. Contact Lowestoft Police if you can shed light on this porcine larceny.

Finally, and on a related note: a man far too worse for wear witnessed a burglary in Thetford and then, in a remarkably asinine moment, decided to join in when he saw the perpetrator make his escape. Joshua Richardson, 19, was just walking past a residence in Mingay Road (nope, I'm not making this one up either!) when he saw a burglar climbing out of a window. Joshua, in what could be the worst decision since Mrs Hitler said to Mister Hitler, “Well Alois, are you feeling saucy tonight?”, climbed in the window and took some DVD's and cashpoint cards. Richardson admitted burglary and also confessed to the theft of two carper cleaning machines in July. Just what we need – more clean, tidy and house-proud burglars!

There's more, believe it or not, but I just can't go on. It's just too much.