Wards in Jarndyce

Terrace Tribulations

People will know that I am no fan of Dickens. I have only ever read Dickens under sufferance and with great distress. I'm not even much in favour of TV adaptations or films based on his books.

Nevertheless, I confess to having watched Bleak House when it was on the BBC in 2005. I watched. I even became mildly interested. I even got the book from the library and read a bit of it. It did not elicit any lasting appreciation of Dickens writing.

Fortunately, Dickens is not really the subject of this rant.

It's football.

So, where's the connection? Easy – so much gloup is written about football that it resembles nothing so much as the fixation with the Wards in Jarndyce - the glue which holds the Bleak House narrative structure together for Dickens.

Recent events bear this out. Let's focus on just two.

The Glasgow Celtic – Glasgow Rangers is, some people decry, a special case. The excuses for poor behaviour amongst supporters is mired in sectarian prejudice and violence. Somehow this is used to “excuse” the excesses and simplify the situation.

Now we have the Celtic manager, Mr Lennon, being sent letter bombs along with other prominent supporters. The killer for me was a responsible police spokesman describing the situation as “nothing to do with football” Therein lies the mistake.

It is everything to do with football. In a era when sectarian conflict has almost been eradicated in Northern Ireland, how is it that responsible journalists and others can pretend that football has no role in perpetuating the problem.

Ask yourself: would the mindless prejudice and violence continue if there was no Rangers – Celtic match to provide the focus? I think not. The bigots would still exist, true. Perhaps they might migrate to Murrayfield and start a riot when Scotland play Ireland? Seems more that unlikely. Why?

The fact is the pea-brained bigots who perpetrate the violence just would not get the idea of a sporting rivalry – one that recognises that both teams are trying to win and are worthy of respect for their endeavours. Likewise the fans. Fans of the opposing team are not degenerate sub-humans but genuine supporters who want to see their team do well but recognise that the other team may win if they play better.

No, football, uniquely, has the capacity to engender mindless optimism and even more mindless degeneracy.

Personally, I'm fed up with people who, whilst seemingly stable and reasonable, insist on believing that that opponents and their fans are “scum” - which seems to be the only term of abuse they know. Comment on that mental capacity if you will.

It's even worse in East Anglia. Normal, responsible, educated and personable friends lose all mental perspective when a Norwich – Ipswich game approaches. The try to outdo each other in their vitriol towards their neighbours. Their version of trying to wish their team well and support the player's efforts consists of name-calling and foul abuse. This is not supporting their team – it's simply showing how loutish and vile they have become.

My suggestion: Rangers and Celtic should be relegated – one to the Highland League and one to the League of Ireland. They should not be allowed tickets to away games at all. They should have to stay their for a minimum of 3 seasons and if any trouble ensues – extend their exile to five years for each occasion. Even the troglodytes on the terraces should be able to understand this.

As for the East Anglian brethren, simply require anyone who really, truly believes that the team down the road is vile and their supporters are epsilon minus morons ( which may, or may not be accurate ) is deported to their city focus of hate and made to go to every home game and cheer their rivals on.

Maybe deport them.

Wards in Jarndyce

Terrace Tribulations

People will know that I am no fan of Dickens. I have only ever read Dickens under sufferance and with great distress. I'm not even much in favour of TV adaptations or films based on his books.

Nevertheless, I confess to having watched Bleak House when it was on the BBC in 2005. I watched. I even became mildly interested. I even got the book from the library and read a bit of it. It did not elicit any lasting appreciation of Dickens writing.

Fortunately, Dickens is not really the subject of this rant.

It's football.

So, where's the connection? Easy – so much gloup is written about football that it resembles nothing so much as the fixation with the Wards in Jarndyce - the glue which holds the Bleak House narrative structure together for Dickens.

Recent events bear this out. Let's focus on just two.

The Glasgow Celtic – Glasgow Rangers is, some people decry, a special case. The excuses for poor behaviour amongst supporters is mired in sectarian prejudice and violence. Somehow this is used to “excuse” the excesses and simplify the situation.

Now we have the Celtic manager, Mr Lennon, being sent letter bombs along with other prominent supporters. The killer for me was a responsible police spokesman describing the situation as “nothing to do with football” Therein lies the mistake.

It is everything to do with football. In a era when sectarian conflict has almost been eradicated in Northern Ireland, how is it that responsible journalists and others can pretend that football has no role in perpetuating the problem.

Ask yourself: would the mindless prejudice and violence continue if there was no Rangers – Celtic match to provide the focus? I think not. The bigots would still exist, true. Perhaps they might migrate to Murrayfield and start a riot when Scotland play Ireland? Seems more that unlikely. Why?

The fact is the pea-brained bigots who perpetrate the violence just would not get the idea of a sporting rivalry – one that recognises that both teams are trying to win and are worthy of respect for their endeavours. Likewise the fans. Fans of the opposing team are not degenerate sub-humans but genuine supporters who want to see their team do well but recognise that the other team may win if they play better.

No, football, uniquely, has the capacity to engender mindless optimism and even more mindless degeneracy.

Personally, I'm fed up with people who, whilst seemingly stable and reasonable, insist on believing that that opponents and their fans are “scum” - which seems to be the only term of abuse they know. Comment on that mental capacity if you will.

It's even worse in East Anglia. Normal, responsible, educated and personable friends lose all mental perspective when a Norwich – Ipswich game approaches. The try to outdo each other in their vitriol towards their neighbours. Their version of trying to wish their team well and support the player's efforts consists of name-calling and foul abuse. This is not supporting their team – it's simply showing how loutish and vile they have become.

My suggestion: Rangers and Celtic should be relegated – one to the Highland League and one to the League of Ireland. They should not be allowed tickets to away games at all. They should have to stay their for a minimum of 3 seasons and if any trouble ensues – extend their exile to five years for each occasion. Even the troglodytes on the terraces should be able to understand this.

As for the East Anglian brethren, simply require anyone who really, truly believes that the team down the road is vile and their supporters are epsilon minus morons ( which may, or may not be accurate ) is deported to their city focus of hate and made to go to every home game and cheer their rivals on.

Maybe deport them.

Football Failings

Only occasionally do I intrude into the wonderful, wacky world of football. Mostly it is either too silly, too exasperating or just down right too frustrating.

Recent developments deserve a mention. I happened on an interesting programme on the BBC News channel the other evening. It was a discussion regarding some of the recent financial crises that have been plaguing the “beautiful game”.

In case you missed it, Portsmouth FC are about to enter administration and a number of other clubs are queuing up to join them. That's the story, basically.

Like the weather, lots of folk are talking about it, and no-one is actually doing anything.

The programme “identified” some areas that need discussion/amendment/improvement. Clubs are (obviously) being extremely irresponsible with their finances. Players (and their union) are milking the cow for all it's worth – despite the fact that the teats are giving no succour, for the milk has run out. Fans are in disarray because of increasing ticket prices and lack of success on the field.

Where to start?

The Clubs. Football clubs operate as if they were immune to the forces of economics and gravity. Being immune to gravity is especially good for them as they think they can avoid the drop! Yep, that's how stupid they are. The truth is only a very few clubs, either by reason of an incredibly wealthy owner or owners, or a fan base that covers the known world can possibly aspire to win the Premiership. All the others are simply treading water. Clubs can, of course, never admit this because it would upset and alienate the fans.

The Supporters. The supporters like to think that they are the backbone of the club and the most important leg of the tripod. They are chin-dribblingly deluded on both counts. Clubs make noises about how wonderful the fans are and how they are striving to win trophies and championships for them. In reality, as long as some fans ( primarily the most stupid ones ) continue to troop gaily through the turnstiles so that the TV companies can pan the cameras around the ground without encountering too many empty seats; the clubs aren't really worried about the supporters ( or cannon fodder if you prefer ). Clubs know that the real money comes from TV.

The Players. Players are easy targets. Well, those at the very top who earn obscene wages are easy targets. The PFA is charged with protecting all players and their views on wages are simple. Get you hands off! For the PFA the problems with club finances are nothing to do with them and they don't really want to discuss or negotiate any change to the status quo.

What's to be done?

The Clubs. Clubs will not regulate themselves. Leagues will not regulate clubs. FIFA, UEFA, etc. will not regulate clubs. The EU ( for once charged with doing something useful ) could regulate clubs. How? Make Europe-wide rules and regulations regarding club finances. Stipulate the amount clubs can spend on players and transfers. Clubs should only be able to spend a proportion of TV and gate receipts and bring down wages and ticket prices in order to comply. At a stroke you level the playing field and make football more competitive.

The Supporters

Supporters need educating. This will be tough for they generally make Dewsbury Chavs look like intellectuals. Deep down they know they are gormless. Commentators, managers, players and administrators must stop pandering to fans' basest instincts and explain their real strategy: i.e. stay in this league, remain solvent, introduce more home-grown players that fans can identify with, live within our means and avoid what seems to be attractive short-term fixes!

The Players

Players are their own worst enemies. They are all in the gossip columns too often because they earn obscene amounts of money and don't know how to spend it except on Chav Flash. Players must learn to sign contracts that mean something, that put most of their earning into long-term investments instead of short-term bling, and act like responsible adults instead of spoiled brats.

Incidentally, none of the above had even the remotest chance of being adopted.

New Year's Resolutions

Number One

Instead of making New Year's Resolutions and then forgetting about them or breaking them, I resolve to make some and try to stick to them.

Number Two

Instead of expecting the rest of the world to suddenly get smarter, I resolve to be much more tolerant of others despite their obvious mental incapabilities.

Number Three

Instead of expecting a halcyon Summer of blue skies, high temperatures and endless runs for the England cricket team, I resolve to accept whatever nature has in store for us (unless it becomes so cold that the only economic way to keep warm is to burn a few UEA climate scientists at the stake).

Number Four

Instead of sinking slowly into an Alzheimer's haze, I resolve to make the rest of the world forget things before I do.

Number Five

Instead of being entirely smug about quitting smoking years ago, I resolve to be more tolerant of those who genuinely have difficulties in stopping (with the exception of anyone in my family who really ought to get the message by now).

Number Six

Instead of following the crowd sheepishly, I resolve to stop taking the mickey out of Delia Smith and the other gormless numpties who regularly troop into Carrow Road or write complete drivel about football in the local press. Actually, I don't think I can do this one - it's just too tempting.

Number Seven

Instead of nodding when the commentators describe Kevin Pietersen as the best thing since sliced bread, I resolve to expose him for the sham he is; a one-day batsman of limited ability whose understanding of the concept of a team only makes sense to him if there actually is an I in team.

Number Eight

Instead of smiling when someone mentions something stupid (like we al should thank the bankers for looking after our money), I resolve to smack them (figuratively) in the gob.

Number Nine

Instead of keeping my mouth shut in the face of religious or political intolerance, I resolve to stand up for the rights of the innocent and minorities.

Number Ten

Instead of making New Year's Resolutions in January 2011, I resolve to keep my thoughts to myself.

Aviva Cowards

The Norwich Union Insurance Group (now know as Aviva) high-ups have really outdone themselves recently.

Not only have they managed to upset the whole of East Anglia, not to mention their shareholders, with their name-changing antics and the vast sums of dosh employed to advertise what is essentially a non-story; they have now ducked swiftly the obvious choice for their new advertising campaign and decided to take the Michael out of the cor bugger janners!

What cowards when they have perfectly good Norfolk folk to make as butt of their jokes.

The boys in Oggy Land must not be very happy. We already know they're not very bright – at least according to NU.

Now, not a lot of people know this, so pay attention. The Regimental Song of the 1^st Battalion, The Devonshire and Dorset Regiment is The Tiddy Oggy Song! Part of which goes lie this:

Oh how happy us will be when we gets back to the West Country.

Where Tiddy Oggies grow on trees, Cor bugger Janner.

You make fast, kiss my a***

Make fast the dingy

You make fast, kiss my a***

Make fast the dingy

For we'll all go back to Oggy Land,

To Oggy Land, to Oggie Land

For we'll all go back to Oggy Land

Where they can't tell beans from

Tissue paper, Tissue paper

Marmalade of Jam

Ain't culture wonderful?

NU have missed a golden opportunity. They should have had a crowd of numpties trooping into Carrow Road singing:

I had a girl, really nice girl, down in Wroxham Way,

She were wholly nice to me back in the old school days,

She would smile all the while, but Daddy didn't know all,

What she used to say to me behind the garden wall.

"Hev you gotta loight boy? Hev you gotta loight?"

Then one day, she went away, I don't see her no more,

Till by chance I see her down along the Mundesley shore,

She was there, twice as fair. Would she now be true?

So when she sees me passing by, she say, "I'm glad that's you!

Hev you gotta loight boy? Hev you gotta loight?"

Molly Windley, she smokes like a chimley,

But she's my little nicotine girl.

Classic. I can see it now.

Why go all the way to Devon when you could take the rip close to home?

Cowardly, damn cowardly, I say.

Sports Combine - February 2009

A round up of current issues.

Kansas City Chiefs

With a new coach and GM it's all down to the draft for the Chiefs this season. It is surprising how easy it is to go from 2-14 to 10-6. Hope springs eternal. With a proven, but untried at this level, GM in Scott Pioli and rookie head coach in Todd Haley, the Chiefs enter new territory. An assessment will be made after the draft. Even though it is supposed to be a “thin” year for QB's I expect the Chiefs to take one in the first five rounds; for, without some production and leadership from the QB position KC is going to suffer no matter what else they do. The Chiefs faithful are in for an interesting six months.

England Cricket Tour of the West Indies

You have to be a real optimist to gather much excitement or optimism from the England performances in the WI so far. Strangely marmalised in the First Test, crazily being party to a two over test match at the Viv Richards Stadium, and then missing a golden opportunity to square the series at the ACG does not fill one with a large cup of optimism coffee sweetened with sun-kissed horizons.

It's a mess. A big mess.

The ECB have really got to hold up their hand and admit that they have made some immaculate, spectacular boners in the last few months.

First, Sir Alan Stanford is probably going to jail for fraud. The ECB idiots has only recently pledged (or mortgaged if you prefer) the future of English cricket to this wide boy whose only claim to fame so far has been being photographed groping the English WAGS.

Now Freddie Flintoff has succumbed to yet another injury with the Ashes on the horizon. Yet the ECB have sanctioned releasing the contracted players so they can cash in on the mega-bucks of the IPL.

Nasser Hussein and Mike Atherton (both ex-England captains) consider this madness. The ECB should have had the guts to tell the contracted players they can either forego the wonga of the England contact, or they can go to India and take the risk of losing their guaranteed income.

Perhaps the ECB now stands for Elastically Contracting Balls?

Our only hope: the Aussies seem to be having some uncharacteristically English-like problems of their own.

NCFC

As the Canaries slip deeper and deeper into Relegation Quagmire (that's on the A11, just south of the Thickthorn Roundabout) and contemplate life in what would be the old Division Three, there is only one positive sign on the horizon. St Delia and Dippy Doncaster may be about to take a big bite from the We've Run Out of Ideas Since Our Last Ditch Plan to Smokescreen the Fans (and save loads of money) With the Brian Gunn Appointment Burger and run up the surrender flag.

The further NCFC fall the louder the clamour for the board to shoulder most of the blame will be. Gunny is a Norwich City legend. Delia ain't. Unless they win two of the next three games, expect the clamour to reach a howl – and a shrill one at that.

Plucked Canaries

Time Runs Out for Gruntie

Today is a bumper day for NCFC. After years of superciliously mouthing the “company line” the EDP finally printed some pungent criticism of the club. The press are not there yet – but at least it's a start.

Two items of particular note surfaced. In the page 10 article, “No sign of another Green, Earnshaw or Ashton yet”, reporter Steve Downes commented, “In previous times of trouble, the club has been able to pick the fruits of former chairman Robert Chase's astute property purchases by selling off chunks of land around Carrow Road for housing development”.

I'm sorry. Strike me down dead if this reporter is not actually praising the most vilified chairman in Norwich history. One wonders if he has cleared this article with the EDP editor? Certainly, no one at the paper has written anything praising Mr Chase for many years. Is this a new dawn? Probably not – but at least the truth has been acknowledged. Mr Chase, for all his shortcomings as chairman, did, at least, have the foresight to invest wisely in land. If only the present board were as astute as Mr Chase we would not have to read the tosh about finances regurgitated by reporter Downes in the first eleven paragraphs of his article. His thesis: Norwich are doomed for lack of money. His reality check “ . . . Norwich are left with a squad made up of unproven players and journeymen.”

Where Downes fails is in not laying the blame squarely on the board's shoulders. Time and again we are told that players wage demands are so extravagant that it is impossible to lure them to Norwich. What that really means is that the board will not pay the kind of wages that other clubs do. You cannot then blame the players for going somewhere else.

Gruntie Grantie is a moaner. Fans have just learned this, seemingly. More of them should read this blog. Besides enticing a bunch of Gorbals rejects to move down south and collect big wages, he had done nothing but moan about the players – mostly his own players. All the bad vibes are now coming home to roost. The press, the fans, the players and even the board are less than convinced that he is the man. If he want to remain as manager he really ought to do something to improve the situation. So, what can he do?

Some of his team selections are not very bright. Supporters expect to see an effort by the team to win every game. Too often his selection for away games seems to say, “I'm praying for a nil – nil”. That's ok if you get it, but the supporters who pay good money to follow the team expect more. There are signs that the rats are considering their Saturday afternoon options. Two letters to the EDP say if fans are not entertained, maybe they ought to vote with their feet. If that happens, Grantie's managerial career could be a very brief one, until he resurfaces in the Scottish Third Division.

The Canaries even made the lead on page one. That idiot Dopey Doncaster, gets another opportunity to explain why nothing that goes wrong at the club is either his fault or the fault of the board. It really is just too much. Where is St Delia? Has she taken to the booze again? Somewhere in the press it is reported that she has converted some of her “lendings” to the club into shares. Question: how can she lend money to a club she already owns? Can I lend money to myself and then reduce my tax burden? Not flaming likely! Only people with real money can do that – folks like Delia.

I have no problem with this – it just makes me more incredulous when the press let her get away with it!!

The supporters are just about ready for a revolt. It could be touch and go in the next few weeks. Hopefully the team will start to play well. If not, there could be blood on the carpet. Question is: will it be Grantie's (most likely) or Doncaster's (not very likely) or Delia's (Mission Impossible!)

What Passing Bells?

Armageddon?

Summer has just about had it. So far: in August vandals dug up our cricket square – no not just the pitch ala' Headingly – but the whole square; Big Tone has departed to be Middle East Peace Envoy – ok stop laughing right now; Gordo had taken over the Labour leadership and is trouncing Cammo in the polls; Ol' Dubbya has declared that we are winning in Iraq, for the umpteenth time; Norwich City have signed a bunch of nobodys, 25 jocks and a motley collection of journeymen professionals whilst professing to be ambitious – so what's new? And the England Rugby team are off to Frogland to defend the World Cup, with little prospect of getting anywhere near it. It's all depressingly familiar.

Apparently there was some aggro at a cricket match at Southtown one Sunday. We weren't playing, but the report is that Southtown were involved in an altercation with some local yobbos who were riding their mini motorbikes around the outfield whist the game was in progress. That's what I heard. Whether this is true or germane, I've no idea. So, on a Sunday night person or persons unknown dug large holes in across the whole square. First I heard, council called Monday morning to tell me we wouldn't be playing there for the rest of the season. I had a look on the Wednesday and it was horrific! If you've a strong stomach, check out: http://www.beltoncricket.co.uk/devastation.html

Good news is the council managed to repair the damage (mostly) and we had a game there at the beginning of September.

People are beginning to wonder if Big Tone was just a figment of their imagination. Since he has been appointed Middle East Peace Envoy (I said stop laughing and don't mention Satan and St Joan either!) he seems to have disappeared. Am I the only one thinking he is trousering a large wad for doing nothing so he can support the family whilst he writes his very lucrative memoirs?

Gordo takes over. He has variously been described as cheerless, morose, bloody-minded, dictatorial and with all the charm of a mud skipper. His opponent, Cammo, is young, good-looking and full of new ideas. Result: the voters prefer Gordo. It's a funny old world.

Dubbya just gets worse and worse. There is no other way to say this. It's a good thing you can't be impeached for being an incompetent moron. Otherwise, he'd be on the first plane to Texas (home of steers and queers!). Where Dubbya fits into this well-know Texan epithet, you guess.

NCFC are beginning to really annoy me now. Not content with incessant bitching at the unholy unfairness of it all when their best players depart to Premiership pastures new and feeding the Norfolk numpties endless pap about how prudent the club is – they now are already tossing out plausible excuses for failure in anticipation of a terrible season. Today's EDP has a banner story about an African player (discarded by that powerhouse of international football, FC Lucerne, who is (apparently) having trial at Norwich. Someone is having a laugh!

Only the England Rugby team think they have a chance of defending the World Cup. This may be no bad thing. Maybe the good teams will take their eye off the ball, literally as well as metaphorically and they could sneak it. Personally I wouldn't be surprised if they slip up in the opener against the USA Eagles (Go Eagles !!) By the way, the Sunday Times eventually recognised that the USA has an almost endless untapped pool of rugby players in the vast majority of college football players who never make the pros. Some day this pool will be recruited. Watch out All Blacks, you head it here first!

Saturation Point

Overkill or What?

Well. Here we are in June. The middle of June. Still we suffer from football overkill. Papers are full of “non-stories” about the Stevens Inquiry into bungs.

Best comment I heard today was a commentator on Sky News who make the case that supporters just couldn't care less. If their manager or officials of the club have been a bit naughty in transfer deals – so what?

As long as the club is doing well – who cares? Yes, that's how low we have sunk.

Why should supporters care what skulduggery has gone on in the past to secure the services of overpaid, overpriced players at their club? Disregarding the moral dimension, they should care because as long as vast sums “disappear” in shady deals there is less chance of holding the clubs to account for their shabby treatment of supporters. Tickets overpriced? Too bad. Delia's dinners not up to scratch? Tough luck!

Simple scenario: if the club chairman thinks this or that player will make all the difference (rarely the case); what incentive is there for him to play by the rules and above board? None. Conversely, what incentive is there for him to involve the club in shady deals with other clubs, their officials or football agents? Many. Chances of getting caught? Almost nil. Lord Stevens is after the agents – not the clubs.

Bottom line: nothing of substance will change.

What is more irksome is the endless non-stories about football that populate the local press. Today is a good example. The back three pages are devoted to football. The lead story is the “non-story” about non-allegations by Lord Stevens about non-transgressions by some mangers at some football clubs. What a great story!

Lest anyone forget – four pages in are stories about Youssef Safri (a player of very little talent capped by a country of players with very little talent) who happens to be a NCFC player. The story is no story, just an ambling amusement of rambling by Safri about what he hope to do next season. Hopefully, though he forgets to mention it, his hopes include promotion to the Premiership. Instead we are treated to his estimation of the footballing prowess of Zimbabwe! The remaining stories on that page consist of the usual non-story transfer news and the sickening report that the grokles at Norwich are queuing up to part with their cash to get scarce season tickets! Sick?

Finally five pages in is the news that Beefy is to get a knighthood. There is some news of international cricket six pages in – but there are no reports about local teams, local players, or local leagues. Staggeringly shocking!

Make me PM. Get rid of Gordo. I'll ban football except for amateur matches. After all – that's where it started!!

Former Norwich Loan Players/Stars

FNLP/S

I knew it!

It was only yesterday that someone told me that because David Bentley had been selected for the England football team the EDP would have the usual “Former Norwich Loan Player/Star” (FNLP/S) story.

And they did.

Am I the only one who finds this sort of gormless pandering to the divots who populate the seats at Carrow Road completely pointless? Surely I can't be? Can I?

There it was on page 48. Headline: Bentley included in Pearce's squad Article: Former Canries (could someone explain what Canries are? - why can't the EDP employ some old-fashioned sub-editors?) loan star David Bentley has been included in the England U21 squad for the European Championship finals in Holland.

Could someone explain to me what this had to do with anything?

David Bentley has never been a local player. He has never even been a player contracted to Norwich City Football Club. Why are we reading this drivel in the local paper?

The variation to this story is when Peter Crouch is chosen for the England senior squad. Headline: Former Norwich City Loan Star Crouch in England Squad. What complete tosh! Why not just stop reporting nonsense about football? Why not?

If they did they might avoid the despairing headlines they managed to come up with today. In the morning: Marshall turns up the heat. City target demands transfer. In the Evening News: City see Marshall bid turned down.

Only by reading the respective stories is it apparent that there is no story here at all. The morning news is simply speculating that NCFC might like to sign David Marshall, who was on loan at Norwich this season,. The afternoon paper speculates that negotiations between the clubs are on-going.

In other words – there are no real developments and no real news. So, why are they printing this?

I conclude that in the absence of any real story – why not make one up.

Might sell a few papers (Norwich fans are stupid enough to buy the paper just because NCFC is mentioned in the headline!). Meanwhile, the sports writing staff can go to the pub instead of trying to cut through the drivel and find a real story to write about.

Shame.

If You Pay Them, They Will Come

NCFC Transfer Woes.

Woe is me! Woe is me – as phrase that just about sums up the local media's reaction to Norwich City's FA Cup result at Blackpool.

Having achieved a creditable draw away from home, the players were, perhaps, a trifle unlucky to find the press bemoaning the injuries and suspensions picked up instead of looking forward to the replay. Bottom of the Barrel Reached, should have been the EDP's headline. NCFC have so few players available for selection they may have to scour the local parks to get a side out tomorrow.

Hang on! Wasn't it only the other day the press were reporting Gruntie Grantie as promising three or four new players before the transfer deadline? That story seems to have disappeared faster than a Glaswegian's wallet on a Saturday night out down the Gorbals.

Why is this? Transfer fees – that's the perceived wisdom.

Rubbish. Transfer fees are irrelevant. Transfer fees are simply part of the cost of doing business. Transfer fees are only part of the cost ( a small part!) of running a football club. In terms of getting players, they are meaningless. Unless your new signing decides to hang himself from the goal post by his shoelaces or go skydiving without a parachute, what you pay out in transfer fees is simply recouped when players are sold on. That is provided the club has sufficient management skills not to place themselves in a position where players' contracts expire and they are allowed to just walk away for free.

Ah, that's the Norwich City way, I hear you sigh!

Facts are – going right back to the days of Justin Fashnau and Kevin Reeves – NCFC have always sold players for lots more than they were worth. Good business! Only recently they have continued this trend by unloading Dean Ashton before he got injured. Good call!

So, what is the problem?

Wages. It's that simple. If you pay the players – they will come. This the Board steadfastly refuses to recognise. If you want quality players you have to pay quality wages. Dopey Doncaster and St, Delia just won't let go of the cash. Because, unlike transfer fees, there is no way to recoup wages except by winning football matches and reaching the promised land of the Premiership. See? Causes more problems than it's worth!

Result? Already the media are talking up a relegation fight – instead of looking forward to a plum home draw for the next round of the Cup.

That's the kind of optimism that encouraged Haig to attack at Paschendale. and the Spartans to defend Thermopolae.

Fantastic.

Canaries Prepare for Relegation

Norwich City Woes

Somehow escaping the attention of the well-paid journalists who produce such pap, the leading story about the fortunes of Norwich City FC today concerns the number of players who are out of contract at the end of the season and is clearly designed to prepare the long-suffering fans of the club for life in Division One. It's surprising that none of the Carrow Road hangers-on who masquerade as reporters have picked this up.

It's fairly clear.

Stories abound that the new manager, Wee Jocky Unintelligible Grant, is unhappy with the effort and commitment of some of his players. Darren, Premiership Reject and Massively Over-rated Mid-fielder, Huckerby is quoted in today's paper expressing his dismay that the Canaries have 13 players out of contract in the summer.

An innocent bystander might speculate that the two reports are related. Gruntie Grantie doesn't think much of many of the players he has inherited. The Board finally realises that they are paying a bunch of headless chickens vast sums for nothing. Grantie see a possible solution – wait till the players are out of contract, unload them to whoever wants them and sign a new bunch at vastly inferior wages.

Problem is vastly inferior wages implies vastly inferior players - (Yes, it's difficult to imagine but there are some even more inferior players out there!).

Granties' agenda is therefore clear but must remain disguised for political reasons. Norwich will bite the bullet of relegation in order to provide him with the opportunity to bring in players of his choosing. The majority of out-of-contract players will be allowed to leave by the politically expedient method of offering them inferior contracts and then bemoaning their ingratitude. Grantie would then be able to rebuild the team in his image and blame the club's demise on his predecessor. Looks like a win-win situation for Grantie. The real beauty is: if the club avoids relegation; he can still follow the same strategy. His starting point just becomes the bottom of the Championship instead of the top of Division One.

Delia and her cronies will rejoice that they have cut the wage bill and can spend more money on the really important things at the club: car parks, catering, and director's perks.

Everyone's a winner – except, as usual, the real supporters.

Whose fault is it?

The sheep who trudge willingly through the turnstiles on Saturdays must bear some of the responsibility. News that all the tickets for an up-coming game are sold is neatly contrasted by a letter from an irate season ticket holder who insists that he will only wait until March for some indication of improvement – then, if none is forthcoming, he will not renew. Bit late there, pal!

The supporters must shoulder a lot of the blame for not holding the club and its shareholders and directors to account.

Unless the fans wake up and realise the only way to influence the Board is to cancel their season tickets and not show up to matches, it's a good bet things will remain as unsatisfactory as they are.

Gaining a few converts from the local press wouldn't hurt either.

Saint Delia's Halo Finally Slips

Mike an Delia Exposed!

Poor old Delia (the poor man's Nigella Lawson) has finally let slip a few home truths about Norwich City at the annual shareholders' meeting.

According to the EDP, Delia said, “. . . she is willing to give up her role as Norwich City's “sugar mummy” - as long as any new investor brought 'new' money into the club.

City's joint majority share holder, along with husband Michael Wynn Jones, told the club's annual general meeting last night that anyone with sufficient funds could try their hand on the Carrow Road tiller.

However she emphasised that simply purchasing her and her husband's shares was not the answer.

“I have been here 10 years and nobody has ever come in seriously,” she said. “We have had the odd letter but nobody has ever seriously said, 'look, I will give this money if you let me have a seat on the board'.

“If people want to come along and offer Michael and me a large amount of money for our shares what is that going to do? That is going to give us a lot of money but it is not going to help the football club.

“The only way we would relinquish our shares is if somebody is going to put money into the football. Only if they put money into the squad - not if they buy our shares, we don't want money. It has to be that there is money for the squad, serious money for the squad.”

Now, this is interesting. Let's analyse what she actually said. To paraphrase: in order to tempt Delia into parting with her shares, there would have to be a big money offer. That being achieved, she would sell.

Wait a minute! Is this not the same St Delia who masquerades as Norwich City's saviour and benefactor? Surely not. If it were, she would be lobbying for anyone with real money to join the board. Buying her shares is irrelevant. What she is actually saying is: NCFC is up for sale. Anyone with enough money can buy it. I will sell my shares – as long as I get a good price. Does that sound like a selfless benefactor to you?

I have a solution. Let Delia sell half her shares for inflated prices. Then she can put millions into the club with the proceeds. I would love to see someone call her bluff!

Don't hold your breath. Asphyxiation is painful and final.

The EEN printed a series of questions they put to the shareholders' meeting. Here's my take.

What has happened to our youth policy?

Peter Grant – Och aye! We dinna have any good young players – and if we did we would sell them.

Why wasn't Nigel sacked sooner? Why did we sign just one player in the summer?

St. Delia: We didn't sack Nigel sooner because, for all his faults; he never criticised the Board. Even when we made it impossible for him to get any good players he loyally maintained that everything was super excellent and that I was a fantastic employer. What more would you want? We only signed one player in the summer because we will not pay the wages needed to get good players. It's as simple as that. Pass the doughnuts, please.

Where has the passion gone from Norwich City players?

Grantie: Probably down Ber Street – or maybe to one of the nightclubs down Riverside.

Why has so little money apparently been made available for new players? Will the Board free up money for the manager to spend in the transfer window?

Chief Executive Neil (Numpty) Doncaster: We can't make money available because if we did, where would my pay rise come from? And, Delia and Michael would have to stop pocketing the assets of the club.

Some questions the EEN is still waiting for answers to. I can help them out.

Why is it so difficult to get players to come here or clubs, such as Arsenal, to agree to loan deals?

Numptie Neil: Top class players will come here if we pay top class wages. I've already explained - we are not going to pay top class wages, so we have to make do with second-rate players. Thankfully, the local press (thanks guys) usually drool when when we sign anyone and pretend that whoever we sign is a great player. It's amazing really – the press are so thick!

Why should the board expect fans to sign up for season tickets next season?

St Delia: Why not? We've been short-changing them for years and they still pile through the turnstiles. I guess Norfolk folks are just thick-os. Please don't quote me on that (after all, I live in Suffolk).

Norwich City FC Fun

Enjoy footie fans!

Q: What do you call a lot of very rich people sitting around a TV watching the FA Cup?
A: Norwich City football players.

Q: What do Norwich City and the evangelist, Billy Graham, have in common?
A: They can both make 20,000 people stand up and scream, "Jesus Christ".

Q: What should you have at Carrow Road instead of crowd stewards?
A: Goal posts – nothing goes past them.

Q: Where in Norwich are £20 notes most scarce?
A: Carrow Road – there's never a score there.

Q: What do you call a Norwich City player with a Championship ring?
A: Fraud or thief!

Q: Why was Peter Grant so upset when his team sheet went missing?
A: Because he hadn't finished colouring it in.

Q: What can you buy with a Norwich City season ticket and 50p?
A: A cup of coffee.

Q: How many Norwich City players does it take to win a football match?
A: Nobody knows and we may never find out.

Q: What do Norwich City and hedgehogs have in common?
A: Both play dead at home (and get killed on the road).

Dopey Doncaster Strikes Again!

May as well finish off the year pretty much where I started – somewhere not far from the Thickthorn roundabout.

Trouble is Neil Doncaster, erstwhile Chief Executive of Norwich City, is just too easy a target. He can't resist writing articles in the EDP http://new.edp24.co.uk/ and therefore seemingly never tires of making a complete fool of himself.

He's at it again. Somehow he has managed to raise his head above the parapet long enough to realize that not all the NCFC troglodytes are hungrily spooning the drivel he produces down their gullets without puking it straight up.

He decides to tackle some of the problems head on. He seems genuinely shocked that fans are questioning where all the money has gone! (Remember the 25 million for being in the Premiership, Neil?) He plumbs new depths of sickening obsequiousness by explaining that the directors of NCFC are not the money-grubbing misers that some think they are but fantastic football people who regularly buy their own drinks and food on match days. Hurrah!! And, Zippidy-do-dah with bells on it!

He pleads with the fans to applaud the board for not raising ticket prices to exorbitant levels during Norwich's short flirtation with the Premier League – despite the fact that some rise in prices might have produced the kind of team that could have stayed up – and not sunk without a trace! Oh, praise be to the Board for not raising prices!

He shamelessly casts aspersions on those owners who find (without going bankrupt somehow) the means to spend lots of money on good players. He views Chelsea's Abramovich as simply an aberration – and a simpleton. Stupid man! What makes him think he can buy success? Thank the Lord we don't have any such irresponsible spendthrifts at Norwich.

He deplores the other foreign owners who have grabbed a slice of the Premiership action. “What are their motivations? (Snidely!) Only time will tell.” Oh ye of little faith! Is it not written that as ye sow, so shall ye reap. (Yes, Neil, forsooth, it is. What we want to know is when is it our turn to do some reaping – instead of St Delia and her buddies?)

Finally, in a gob-smackingly gormless swipe at the fans he blames them for asking awkward questions and “continually scratching away at the reputation we have built up in Norfolk and beyond for being a unified, family, community club”. Oh praise ye, praise ye, oh saviour of the downtrodden for not mentioning: a successful club; an ambitious club; a well-run club; a club that spends its money building up its assets (no, not hotels and car parks!) but the players!

I really do wish he'd stop writing in the newspaper. It's just embarrassing.