The Road to Hell

South of Thickthorn (revisited yet again)

We got stuck at Elveden again on the way to London to see the folks for Christmas.

I couldn't believe it! It was the middle of the day on a Saturday, December 28th. I kept thinking, “Where are all these idiots going?” (Maybe they were all going to London to see relatives?)

Anyway, being stuck in the jam gave me another opportunity to mull over the progress (or more precisely the lack of progress) of the last bit of dual carriageway to be built, including the Elveden by-pass – opening Winter 2014. Or, if you prefer, another year away.

Snaking along at the pace of a snail with a limp, gives one plenty of time to consider this major road building project. Well, it's a major project if you consider 9 miles of road-building with one small stream to cross a major project. In their defence I must point out that they are taking four years to do it. That alone probably qualifies it as a major project.

One thing I discovered was that they are building at least two fantastically placed devices for the farmers to get from one side of the road to the other. One looks like the Hammersmith fly-over and the other is a very good impersonation of the Dartford tunnel.

Hang on, when the road is completed it's obvious that the farm equipment needs to get from one side to another. Doesn't it?

Wait a minute – the A11 has been struggling through Elveden for a long time – a really long time – like forever. So, I thought, how have the farmers been getting from one side to another in all the years it has been there? I can find no information to this rather puzzling question.

Then I considered other options for the farmer (and ones which might suit the tax-payer more).

First – the geniuses that thought this one up spent a long time building what they called access roads for the farms. In other words, they build nice paved sections a few hundred yards wide of the carriageways so the tractors and such can meander up an down gaining access to the fields.

Wait a minute - how did they access the fields before? I can find no information to this rather puzzling question either.

I have a brilliant solution to this costly problem. At the Thetford end (West side) we build the farmer a nice big storage shed and populate it with all his present machinery. Then at the Barton Mills end (East side) we build another nice big storage shed and populate it with duplicates of everything on the Thetford side – all at the tax-payers expense.

When the day's work begins, the farm workers only have to decide which side of the A 11 they are working on and go to the appropriate shed, collect their equipment and do what farmers do. (If they need to do some work on one side and then move to the other side we have even provided them with a nice new dual carriageway to get from one storage shed to the other) How good is that! And the cost is minuscule compared to the cost of the road – which by the way has escalated from the 30 million original estimate to 110 million.

Brilliant or what!

Whoever planned this project must have learned engineering at the Lego factory and project management at the University of Malawi.

What we have now is a completed bridge at the Barton Mills end, some sections of dual carriageway that are completed (but not joined up) and a bypass around Elveden which may or may not be ready (you cannot tell from the roadway and they won't let you tramp about the countryside to find out).

Here's another plan – a bit too late I readily admit.

First, build the bypass around Elveden first. Then build the one-mile section to join this up to the Thetford end. Then build the rest of the road south of Elveden.

Result? You get around the bottleneck at Elveden before you encounter any hold-up at all.

Make sense? I thought you might agree with me.

Oh yeah, and then think about building poxy little access roads for farmers. In the meantime they can jolly well wait for four years like the rest of us chumps.

South of Thickthorn - again

South of Thickthorn – the end is nigh – or is it?

The most entertaining anecdote in Bill Bryson's Notes from a Small Island occurs when he discusses the English preoccupation with roads and their preoccupation with the best way to get from one place to another. For anyone who has ever been regaled by the locals encyclopedic knowledge of the road network this is a must read. It reminds me of the apocryphal Irish story of the local Paddy who when asked how to get to Carrickfergus replied, “Sure, I wouldn't start from here.”

In a self-congratulatory wave of over optimistic balderdash, the EDP announced that the government had at last agreed that despite the desperate economic times, the remaining stretch of the A11 south of Thickthorn would be dualled; thereby finally linking Norwich with the rest of the world. Whiskey, foxtrot, zulu!

Let us leave for a moment the drip drip drip of irony so thick it makes molasses in January seem positively runny and rejoice!

Wait a minute – let's not crack the champagne quite just yet.

With considerably less fanfare and with a complete lack of journalistic integrity, the EDP soon announces that the construction work is unlikely to start before 2012-13. Ministers, when quizzed, confirm that the money to dual is definitely committed, but not quite so committed that it is actually available. Confused? You ought not be. Governments are very good at dissembling information with enough caveats to make the average football manager seem positively erudite and the epitome of linguistic elegance.

Amidst all the balderdash has anyone actually noticed that this “battle” was lost over 30 years ago when some eejit decided that the M11 should go from London to Cambridge – despite the fact that the A11 goes from London to Norwich. With a stroke of the bureaucratic pen, Norwich was condemned to sit on the side lines and wait for a government hand out in order to get a descent road link. Hello – we're still waiting!! To add insult to injury Look East reports on a new link road to provide fast access from a Cambridge business park to the M11!! Where are the reporters asking how money can be found for this, yet the A11 will have to wait? Call themselves journalists?

I can see Rivers of Blood as the A11 money (yes, it's definitely committed says the Minister over and over again and again) is pushed further and further into the future – perhaps till after the next general election when, low and behold, certain facts will have come to light which were not available when the original decision was taken and must be investigated thoroughly with another public inquiry which can not possibly report until 2014-15 – but the money is definitely committed, says the Minister. Ad nauseum.

So, where do we go from here?

Probably nowhere, slowly.

Suggest you get Bill Bryson's book and have a good read.

South of Thickthorn

Thickthorn Thickies!

Fantastic news! The plans to completely dual the A 11 are well and truly on the drawing board! Actually, they have been on the drawing board for the best part of the last 30 years.

Kindly stop muttering better late than never.

What I have found most enjoyable so far in the process is the splendid graphic produced by the EDP to illustrate what the new road would look like. Choosing the memorial between Thetford and Barton Mills as the focus, the view is truly spectacular as the road snakes relentlessly towards Thetford – disappearing in the distance with all the grace and aplomb of a rattlesnake retreating up a rhinoceroses bottom. Absolutely beautiful.

Thirty years late, but beautiful.

Would that all the news was quite so ascetically pleasing in the A 11 saga.

The EDP also kindly provided a map which shows the course of the new carriageway. Just like in the picture it follows the old carriageway for 9/10 if the way. The only new bit is the Elveden by-pass, for that is what it amounts to.

So, we need about 9 miles of new carriageway. We bypass Elveden allowing this Norfolk Sleepy Hollow to return to its pre-auto mobile-age tranquillity. So, what is required? One bridge (there is one stream to cross near the Barton Mills roundabout). Some new carriageway. Some kind of junction for the few minor roads encountered. That's about it.

The cost? About 127 million pounds. That's about 14 million pounds a mile. Perhaps the carriageway is to be gold and diamond encrusted? Maybe the bridge is to be built to withstand the ravages of nature for the next 2000 years?

Could someone please explain to me why it costs so much?

Perhaps it's because the same numpties who are planning this project are same ones who: firstly, decided that the original Thetford by-pass was to be single carriageway; secondly decided the same for the original Attleborough by-pass; thirdly were most likely in on the original designs for the Titanic!

Question. How much intelligence does it take to realise that if they had built the whole damn thing in one go it would have been finished 30 years and would have cost 10% of what they are trying to charge the poor old taxpayer today!

We should get the bulk of the money from those idiots.

I remember making the point when they finished the Roudham Heath section – which abuts the proposed extension. All the equipment was there and in place. The land is flat and dry. Why not just carry on and built? “Oh, no,” they cried, “we can't do that!” First we have to have a planning enquiry (the result of which everyone already knows); then, we have to carry out extensive tests on the soil for drainage and subsidence; then we need to consult local people.

Or, we could just dust off the plans that have been gaily mouldering in the cupboard for the last 25 years and submit them. But, no, that way we can't jack-up the costs.

It's a damn scandal.

Now, for the really good news. It the Tories win the next election, they may cancel the whole thing! Couldn't help themselves from bailing out the banks to the tune of umpteen billions, but they may need to save a few million by cancelling the A 11 project.

Yeah, right.

Saving the best bit for last, now someone has decided that if the road is dualled the Barton Mills roundabout will become a major bottleneck. What nonsense. There is already a roundabout at the Norwich end and three at Thetford and one at Attleborough. One more isn't going to make any difference!

But, wait, perhaps we can delay the project for another 40 years whilst we assess the roundabout situation!

Get on, just get on with it!

Sometimes you just have to laugh or you would cry.

South of Thickthorn

Highways Agency Pockets Your Cash!

News that the long-awaited Attleborough by-pass improvement has opened was greeted with less than enthusiasm by the EDP when they discovered that the costs had risen from the published £22 million to £30! Now they want some answers. I suppose it is better late than never, but I would have thought the time for asking questions was a long time ago!!

I don't k now why we should be surprised. The cost of building roads in Norfolk is a scandal and always has been .

You may remember that the reason the Attleborough by-pass had to be improved is that the loonies who were in charge when it was built decided that one bit would be single carriageway. That's the bit they have just dualled. The fact that everyone in Norfolk told them that they should have built it as dual carriageway has, seemingly, been forgotten. Maybe some enterprising EDP journalist would like to add this to his list of questions to ask!

You may remember a similar story afflicting the Thetford by-pass. One section was originally built as single, only to be dualled a few years later. What a waste!! Building a road is not something you can do with a bucket and spade. So, while you have the men and equipment there, why not do the job all at once! Too sensible. Too simple.

That's the main reason why we are still waiting for the whole of the A11 to be dualled today. It has been 25 years in the expectation, planning, building a bit and pausing.

Much better to go away for a few years while the costs rocket. Then, have a lengthy planning process whilst the costs continue skyward. Then, attempt to scrimp and save by cutting a valuable part of the original plan (like the Besthorpe junction) thus ensuring that the original plan is emasculated in order to save a paltry sum. Finally, spend £8 million more than planned on “preparation, supervision, land compensation claims and land costs” and pretend that no-one will notice! Are they seriously saying that they didn't think that there would be any costs to do with planning, supervision or buying land when they started? How can they get away with this!

We may not live long enough to see the last bit done. You know the bit – from Thetford to Barton Mills. Must be all of 5 or six miles. Perfectly flat. Farm land on either side. No rivers to cross. Me and Paddy could do it with a wheelbarrow! Cost? By the time they ever got to it, I suggest it will be £50 million. It is a scandal!

There's a phrase for this: highway robbery.

Maybe the lads who rallied around Kett's Oak and marched on Norwich had the right idea. Only when the Norfolk Dumplings get mad enough to hang a few Highways Agency bean-counters from the walls of Norwich Castle might we get any sensible answers and sensible plans!

I wouldn't hold my breath waiting.