Thoughts of Chairman Mal

As the summer winds down, time for some gems to ponder

If pigs could fly, we all really would carry an umbrella

The answer to “how many beans make five?” sometimes isn't five. Sometimes it's a bean, a bean and a half, two beans and a half a bean.

If you hit a golf ball out where the big dogs pee – that means in the trees.

“What goes around comes around” means you should not try to pedestrianise the Thickthorn Roundabout.

The cloud that has the silver lining is usually hovering over the next village.

People who live in glass houses should not throw stones – they should buy a bazooka instead.

If someone offers to bury the hatched with you - make sure you are wearing a Kevlar helmet.

Any idiot can be a moron.

Why is there only one Monopolies Commission?

How can a fat chance and a slim chance be the same thing?

Gormlessness is not next to Godliness.

How does a gravy train move along the tracks without slipping and sliding?

Aspire to inspire before you expire.

The irony of life is that, by the time you're old enough to know your way around, you're not going anywhere.

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.

Even a dead cat bounces, but bricks don't unless you drop them on a trampoline.

Money talks: bulls**t walks.

Laziness must be next to Godliness – after all, He only ever worked for 7 days in his whole life!

Good advice: the only things ever to volunteer for are 1. Get paid 2. Go Home.