Stuck in Lissingdown
As the Thames overflows in a few
counties, the Somerset levels return to the sea from whence they
came, the politicians crap themselves and the Tory voters are the
ones who are being inundated; I reiterate my plan to solve the crisis
in an historical way.
Folks seem to have forgotten that
England is a green and pleasant land for a very good reason – it
rains and it rains a lot. We can speculate about global warming and
climate change, but it is all a bit academic to the poor sods
currently sand-bagging their sodden properties throughout the West
Country, Wales and the Home Counties.
We are currently “enjoying” a very
mild winter. We have hardly had a frost worth speaking about and the
days are getting longer and longer. We may get through to the end of
February without one freezing day!
What a difference a year makes. Last
February we were wondering if winter would ever end and piling more
logs on the fire.
The old adage that England doesn't have
climate it only has weather has never seemed so true.
What do we do?
We could appoint a Minister for rain.
Example: last time a Minister for drought was appointed it rained
incessantly for weeks. Maybe the reverse would do?
We could demolish the Thames barrier
and flood the capital. The sight of all the MP's, merchant bankers
and assorted big wigs paddling up Whitehall might cheer up the masses
no end.
We could find the drain plug for the
country and pull it out.
I have a better idea – a little
thinking outside the box is required.
For example – in Bordeaux it will be
16 degrees on Friday with a little light rain.
So, we let the Scots keep their little
country (where it has been surprisingly dry this winter) and
reconstitute the English empire in France.
Or being charitable to the surrender
monkeys, we simply swap England for those desire parts of France
which we still, in theory, own – namely the Empire of Henry V.
So, we get the good bits with room to
build enough houses to house us all and they can make do with Slough
(if it stays above water) and Goole. Works for me!
Yes, I know they will moan a lot but
who cares. Everyone in England gets a free holiday in France to find
a swap partner and then on a date specified in the treaty of Troyes
we go there and they come here.
Simples.
It can rain forever in the Thames
valley and we will be high and dry in the Dordogne.
As the saying goes: It's cool in Goole,
dry in Rye and in Lissingdown it's pissing down. We need to do
something!
